The Bleaklisted Movies: Being John Malkovich

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Being John Malkovich

What happens?

Some people find a portal that leads into the mind of John Malkovich. They go in, live as John for a bit, then come out.

Reason for bleaklisting?

The migraine I had trying to understand this movie.

What should have happened?Being John Malkovich

John Malkovich is enjoying a break from movies because he keeps getting sent really poor scripts. That doesn’t stop an ambitious screenwriter, Drago Winnebago, from sending numerous screenplays. Drago’s efforts are all rejected so he decides to board a plane and head over to John’s address to pitch movie ideas face to face. Approaching the house in the middle of a remote swamp, Drago bumps into an old crone who claims she has magical powers and is the guardian of Malkovich’s home. In order to see the movie star, the old crone demands that Drago bring her something cold, something like poo, something furrowed and some yew. Drago fails to even complete the first task despite trying ice, frozen peas and even the heart of Mary Poppins. When Drago eventually gives up, Malkovich appears at the window and gives the old crone the thumbs up.

Working title?

Being John’s Narky Witch.


Four tasks. Four scripts. Four stars? Not for this shit.

Who should direct?

John Hughes.

Who should star?

Harrison Ford, Estelle Getty and Orson Welles (as John Malkovich).

Mr B compares the stories

Spike Jonze’s Being John Malkovich is weird but wonderful as a selection of people enter the mind of John Malkovich and ultimately control him. Charlie clearly struggled with this one so instead revamped the original story with Malkovich living in the middle of a swamp (he doesn’t) and guarded by some witch (if John has security I doubt it’s an old crone). While I admire Orson Welles I do think even a legend such as him would struggle to play John Malkovich. Charlie would be better with the great man himself but from what I’ve seen of his career, John tends to pick movies that have at least an ounce of quality.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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